So I finally feel like I have some friends here in Oregon. I consider myself a pretty social person, but while I’m adept at making acquaintences out of strangers, I feel that I lack the ability to turn most of those acquaintences into friends.
I think part of it is a sense of futility; I feel like I couldn’t possibly have as deep a friendship with some stranger as I do with some of my current friends. Another (more cynical) part of me thinks I’m just being lazy; the effort it takes to maintain a friendship is sometimes more than I feel I have the energy for. And still another part of me is afraid that I’ll be hurt; I’ll put way more time and energy into the relationship than the other person, and come away feeling emotionally drained and disappointed. Most of my friends are (I hope, anyways) understanding of my flaws, and know that even if I do something that hurts them, it’s never my intent. Anyways, I feel like I’ve finally made a couple of close friends out here, despite my aforementioned issues, and it’s good. It doesn’t solve one of the main problems in my life though; most of the people that I really care about live far enough away that I barely ever see them. I hope all you out there (and you guys know who you are) know that I think about you every day, and you mean the world to me, even if I’m dumb about showing it.
I also suffer from the said issue of employing friends. How do people like us keep hanging out in social groups? Must be the alcohol.